The fat man across the hall has sleep apnea. He also has body odour, mild dementia and a cat named Penile Tumescence. Last week the fat man asked me to marry him. We were standing outside Yesesi Supermarket. He was carrying peanut chikky, razor blades and Penile Tumescence in a white plastic bag. The fat man looked like he hadn't washed for months. The plastic bag looked as if it might burst any minute. I was tempted to refuse but told him I'd think about it.

When I got home I found an anonymous love note and peanut chikky in a purplish-grey envelope that had been sealed with something that smelled a lot like stale mustard and saliva.

Somebody rang the bell at 3am. The fat man was standing in the hallway with Penile Tumescence under his arm. His t-shirt read “I am the Lizard King, I can do anything”.